When you loose your parents, no matter the how, when, where, or why you loose them, it hurts. I'll be going along in my day and suddenly find myself overwhelmed with sadness. It just doesn't seem real. I know it is real. But it just can't be. I will never have another conversation with my mom. How can that be??? Oh God how this hurts. Sympathy cards come in the mail. Such beautiful written words about my folks from their friends. I want to call moms best friend to check on her since the news... But all I'd do is cry. I don't want to do that with her over the phone. She's 83 or 84 herself. I find myself clinging to my brother. We've talked to each other every morning since moms passing. I know it would please mom so much to know that. Sigh... My heart is heavy and it probably will be on & off for a while. As I prepare for moms memorial, I'm going through photos. The memories of the moments captured in those photos are so very real. I adored my father and I cherished my mother. I love you mom... And I can't believe your not here with me any longer. I believe with all my heart that you're with daddy & Jesus. I'm holding on to that truth because that is the essence of Faith.
 My brother kissing Mom goodbye. Within the hours before our death, our bodies begin to exhibit textbook symptoms. Undeniable markers letting us know that death is imminent.
Our breaths go from 7-8 per minute to well over a hundred. In mom's case the last time I counted it was almost 140 per minute. The breaths are rapid, and shallow. Our extremities go from almost sizziling hot to cold, as the body sends all our blood to the main organs in an automatic attempt to save it self. Our skin begins to change color, sort of an ashy blueish shade, even the skin under our fingernails reflect this. To watch it happening, is to watch the body automatically fight to recover.
Recognizing these horrific symptoms of death, I sat by moms side. My thought was that she held me when I came into this world, and I wanted to hold her as she went out.
I played some of the old hymns, I sang to her...I held her hand, kissed her fingers and wanted to permanently take in her smell, so that it would never leave me. I kissed the palm of her hand as I cradled them to my face. I placed my hand on her chest and prayed aloud. I asked God to calm her body, calm her soul.
I talked to her, I spoke of childhood memories, things we'd done together. At one point I held her and said OK mom, I gotcha, lets do this together, I wont' let go. I told her that her job here is done, and that it's her time to stand before Jesus and how glorious that will be.
My dear friend Laurie came down to sit with me and mom. My brother was in & out of the room, he couldn't watch, and that's OK. My son stood in the doorway, and Tom...just to my right and behind me.
The panting slowed, there were three more breaths. I reached for my stethoscope, there were still sounds present, I wouldn't call it an actual heartbeat, but sounds. Then, one more final breath, and she was gone. I listened again, silence. Silence at 8:18 PM, and the struggle was over.
Mom was standing before Jesus, and with Daddy, and knowing that truth brought joy. Joy & relief.
Tom called hospice for me, the on call nurse would be on her way out soon. Once she arrived she listened for a heartbeat as well. She asked if we'd noted the time of death. We did, 8:18 PM...she made a note.
We asked the men to step out so that we could clean her up and dress her. The people from Research For Life would be here within the hour to collect her. The nurse cleaned her up a bit with a warm washcloth. Laurie brushed her hair, I chose a night gown. We dressed her, and took her picture. I think she would have been pleased with the care we took in preparing her to leave.
Through the moment of her passing and through all the tasks that followed, I remained calm. Before they put Mom on the gurney, I held her face with my hands. I looked into her eyes, and felt she could genuinely see me. I asked her to please tell my Daddy that I love him. I told her what an extraordinary honor it was to be her daughter. I told her I love her so very much, and I know she loves me. I told her to go now and rest. Rest with Jesus...I will see you again.
I stood and watched them roll her gurney down the front sidewalk, the same sidewalk that I watched Daddy leave my home on in a wheelchair. Tom offered to break apart the sidewalk, but I said no, it's OK. It's not a bad memory, just a memory that will remain...as Mom will remain always in my heart.
I can say with full confidence that watching my mother die is THE most difficult thing I think I've ever been through. To watch her struggle for each breath. To see her body clench up. To see pain in her face. Extroidinarly brutal. I am truly heartbroken. There is nothing I can do. Nothing. I'm typically the strong one. But today, to see the pain in her face, the constant moaning. All I wanted to do was hold her in my arms and I couldn't because she's so stiff. Now my eyes are swollen, my head hurts, and my heart is still breaking. The hospice RN came out to asses her. She thinks it may be tonight...if not tonight, very soon. I'm not sure how I will survive this. If I will survive this.
Somewhere between two or three yesterday afternoon moms status took a serious turn. Her respirations were 7-8 per minute, with longer pauses in between. Not to long after the breathing pattern changed, the wheezing, moaning & gurgling began. Each breath, a struggle. She has spells of quiet, followed by spells of moaning. Feelings of helplessness cascade over me as she moans. Oh God how it hurts my heart to hear that sound. My brother & I by her side, we touch her gently, try to sooth her. Her hands clench up, she draws them in. We've been playing worship music, reading aloud from the Bible, and telling her it's ok to go. Yet she lingers... We take turns sitting beside her on the bed. I just want to cradle & hold her till she goes. I was reminded today that Gods time is different than ours. I was wondering why; why is He letting her linger? I pray "Lord God please let her come home. Why must she suffer this way? Please have mercy on her & bring her home." Amen There is an audio clip attached to this post. Listen carefully, as my heart feels the cascade of grief.
As time draws near, I wonder. What is mom thinking? Is she thinking at all, or just "being"...idk. Her skin is changing. It's looking...waxy in spots. Haven't heard the death rattle. Maybe we won't. She can only hold her eyes open for just a second or two. She can nod her head ever so slightly for yes or no. She still reacts to pain. Non verbal responses. I used the mouth swab to moisten her lips & gums. I could tell it felt good to her. I'm sitting here, on the edge of her bed. Just watching her. Thinking about our times together, mom & daughter. We've had some EPIC shopping sprees! Every Christmas there was a new doll baby under the tree. Her eyes are watering. I ask her if she's crying. No. One slight nod, no. Her CNA will be here soon to give her a bed bath. She usually sleeps well after that. It's tiring for her. I love my mom...
Well...here we are, together. Tom picked up my brother on his way home from work today. My brother is my moms favorite, and that's ok. Seriously, I get it. Whenever he's here we always joke about being blinded by the glare coming off his halo. Moms HR is higher today, 124. She's toasty warm, yet it's not reflected in her temperature. Her appetite has diminished. You know it's serious when she only eats one or possibly two bites of wacky cake. Tom thinks she will pass tonight. He thinks she was waiting to see Donnie (my brother). We took a few pics, as we did with Daddy. I told her again how much I love her. I asked her if there's anything she wants to tell me or anything she wants to say, she shook her head no. When she does talk, it's more of a noise, like she's revving up to propel the words out of her mouth, but they just don't come. I touch her, tell her it's ok, I understand. I brush her forehead and tell her to rest. It's ok to rest. I've said that to her quite a few times in these last few days. Funny, when I say that, she closes her eyes. I like to think that my words, my touch, comfort her. I've been on a journey, a long journey, and it's winding down. What am I if I'm not someone's care giver? I'm the one that God entrusted with Mom & Dad. The one that God knew, would deliver them gently into His arms.
Dear Daddy, Mom is coming home to you, very soon. I know she's missed you. She told me so many times. She said "He was always on my side." I've done the very best I could Daddy. Always remembering that you said "She comes first." Tom & I promised you that we would take care of her, and I feel that we have fulfilled that promise. Tom is an amazing man Daddy. He's by my side when caring for mom, no matter what. So many people have said to me "What a wonderful daughter you are to your mom." I always respond with "Thank you, but I know no other way." You taught me that Daddy. You taught me the importance of family. I was just in to check on her a bit ago. I kissed her ever so gently, I said a prayer in her ear. I asked that God hold her in His hands. That He take away any fear, any concern she has. I told her that I know she loves me. I wanted to reassure her that she can rest. Just rest now. Daddy, when you see her, please make sure she knows what an incredible Mother she's been to myself & DJ. This will be brutally hard for DJ. I pray that Gods light, Gods peace, breaks through the darkness, the sadness, and give him hope. I will do my very best to comfort him Daddy. I promise. I made this video today Daddy. I wanted to make one for each of the grand kids, but Mom is just so weak. I love you Daddy. So much. I pray that you're pleased with my care for Mom. She will be back by your side soon. And I will be here, in this world, and I will endure. I will carry you both with me. Nothing can separate us. Ever. Love, JJ
So it's midnight. Just getting into bed. I'm calm. I'm at peace. It's His peace that He gives us so freely. I said this when it was daddy too. I'm not crying, I'm not sad, I'm not anything really. That's just wrong, right??? What's wrong with me? It's like my emotions are in limbo. It's been a wild couple of days with mom & the dementia. She is only on comfort measures now. Morphine for pain, Ativan for agitation. She's slept allot these last two days. Her HR was up again tonight, 111, good O2 saturation though, 92. She normally runs about 94. No temp. Her pain is still in that left arm & her back. Whenever we move her at all, or the bed, she winces in pain. Her cheeks are flushed & when I changed her earlier, no urine was present. At this stage of the game, her skin is ultra sensitive. Movements must be slow & gentle. I do not think it will be long now. Although she does still have a bit of an appetite. I keep thinking that this time I've had with daddy, my son, and now mom, must of been to prepare me for something. I've been thinking about the memorial service too. Tom suggested an open house here, but I don't think people would come out this far. Do you? My first thought is a memorial at our church, just as we did for daddy. Idk... I'm tired, my eyelids heavy. I don't know what the morning will bring. Sleepy... So sleepy. God please holds mom within the palms of your hands. Safe, at ease, and not frightened. Amen
I can't sleep. I'm so tired, but my heart is pounding & my soul is uneasy. I'm sitting next to Mom. Her HR is still elevated but it has come down a bit. Her skin feels cooler than it did earlier, and she's snoring on & off. Moving just the slightest bit in her bed. She didn't respond to my touch when I checked her HR. I remember sitting bed side with Daddy, in the middle of the night, and in this same room. She's disconnecting... Mind, body, and soul. When I came into this world it was with her. I want to be with her when she leaves this world. I want her to feel safe. She has always made me feel safe.
It could be any day now, or maybe it was any time now. I can't recall exactly. Mom's nurse was being gentle with her words, yet informative. She reminded me that ultimately things aren't textbook or written in stone, but some of the death markers are present.
Mom's HR is up, 115 last I checked, and she is warm to touch. I noticed tonight, that her urine output has decreased too.
The only word that describes how I'm feeling right now is numb. I spoke to God today, once before the nurses visit and then again after. I prayed that if it's His will for me to be by her side when she leaves, then please nudge me, please compel me to go into her room at that time.
A short while ago when I was in her room changing and turning her, I sat down on the edge of bed. I told her that I'm so glad God chose her to be my mom. I told her that both her & Daddy had given me just the best life. I told her that she doesn't have to worry about me, that Tom will take care of me, that we'll take care of each other. I told her that I love her.
I told her how beautiful heaven will be. I told her that she will no longer be old and in any pain. I told her that she will be in the presence of Jesus and that that alone will be glorious. I told her that she will be filled with joy.
It's odd, with Daddy I was so focused, so task driven, monitoring everything and checking off my to do list. But now, with mom, I just feel dazed, and I cannot focus very well. My mind jumps around. I thought blogging might help, historically it has. But even now I can't really think of what to say.
I feel like I've stepped into a parallel universe. One where I'm watching what's happening, yet I feel stuck. Sort of like one of those dreams where you're running and running and never get to where your going.
So I am here, Shaun is here, Tom's at work, my brother's across town...but God, God is everywhere.
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