Dear Daddy, Tomorrow marks nine months and 23 days that you've been gone from this earth. It also marks our first Fathers Day without you.
As Fathers Day drew near, I felt a tug on my heart. Maybe that tug was you. I felt the desire to provide comfort on this Fathers Day, not only for myself, but for Mom & DJ as well.
So I had this crystal, crimson heart, keepsake designed for Mom, or for all of us really. I gave it to Mom tonight after dinner. Of course that was the last thing she was expecting...a gift on Fathers Day
She opened it and sat back to read it. As I watched her reading, I could feel the lump in my throat. I told her that it was for her to keep in her room by you. There's a special shelf for you in her room. Did you know that Daddy? You often mentioned that you wanted to be placed amongst Mom's angels, and there you are.
It is my fondest hope that you knew the tremendous force you were in my life. The tremendous force that you continue to be.
Somehow I've always known, that ours would forever be an unparalleled relationship.
I miss you Daddy, every day.
Love, JJ
Dear Daddy,
Yesterday you received an invitation in the mail to the Clemson Alumni class reunion of 1953.
I took the liberty of responding to the letter on your behalf.
I explained that you had gone to be with our Lord in August. I told of how much you loved your Alma Mater and how proud I am of all your lifes accomplishments. I wish I had known you as a young man. I wish I had known you in your college days. I bet you were a force to be reckoned with as you walked the halls of Clemson. All the while having no idea of the brillance to come.
Receiving the invite and consequently responding to it...brought me right back to your bedside. If you were here now, sitting with me, I would tell you that, I miss you daddy. I miss your way of always making me feel special. The way you validated my feelings, and then talked things through with me untill together, we found an answer.
At times, when the answer's didn't come so easily, you'd say "I'm doing all the worrying for the family, so you don't have to." You have no idea how those words comforted me at the time. I felt so safe. I can't say that enough...I FELT SO SAFE.
As I learn to do "life" without you, it's becoming increasingly more difficult. I came across one of the sympathy cards that we received after you'd gone to heaven... it said:
"It's never easy to say goodbye, but now and then you'll feel your father's presence in a familiar, comforting way...and you'll feel as if he knows you're thinking of him. In time, those moments will bring you comfort, and you'll know that his love is never far away."
I know your never far away. Lately though, I don't feel so special, I feel like a big bully. Everyone depends on me daddy. Seemingly e v e r y o n e. I do try to see the blessing in that, but I admit, there are times I grow weary.
As I try to push on, and channel my inner daddy, I find that I need your help. I need you to please help me hold my tongue, or at least pause before I speak. It's never my intention to hurt the ones I love.
So how do I do that daddy? How do I help those that ask for my help, but only want my help on their terms? So far I'm failing miserably at it. I'm trying to look at any given situation from a "true to myself" perspective. I ask myself; What's really bothering me here? Does it really matter all that much? Does it hurt anyone or does not helping hurt more?
How do you effectively help others, without invoking change? Just simple common sense tells me that if a difficult situation has arisen, then we should correct it and make any changes necessary to avoid the same situation occuring again. This is turning out to be a very foreign idea to those that ask for my help.
Somehow I have to find the balance. The critical balance that accepts others decisions while also taking into consideration how their decision affect others.
Perhaps I should focus on just being a daughter, a sister, a mom, a wife, and an aunt. With an open heart, an open mind, and a closed mouth. Perhaps I do not have to fix everything.
I think in many ways, your one of only a few people, that truly know my hearts desire & intention.
I love you daddy, and I'm trying to do things as I promised you I would , and in the way that I know you would want things to be done.
I carry you in my heart. You are always with me.
JJ
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