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Time Changes Things

31/7/2012

Time changes things. My dad has always said that. In fact, he said it just  yesterday.  I smiled.  He always says that when you've exhausted all effort, when you've done all you can, just turn over on your back and float  (metaphorically speaking). Time changes things...

Obsessiveness. I've thought about  it allot lately. I've noticed it. In myself. In the time since my son moved  out, each day has gotten a little easier for me. But I have to fight it. The obsessive worry. Is he eating? Is he staying hydrated, with water? Doesn't he need or want the personal items he left  here?

I heard  that the abuse of alcohol is a maladaptive attempt to self sooth. It is a defense mechanism. A way of dealing with life. When I checked in with his friend he said that things are going "Surprisingly well."   He says that he's "Fairly certain Shaun is feeling better about himself." This of course is such  a relief! It's also thought provoking. "Better about himself ..." I've actually never thought of how he'd been feeling about himself. It makes sense though. A maladaptive attempt to self sooth.

Upon hearing this news I think; Was his situation really as dire as it seemed when he was here, or was it me? Then I think, nooo...it was his childhood  friend that called me out of concern. Then I think, nooo... again, because anyone that develops "Alcohol Induced Pancreatitis" especially chronically, definitely has a problem.

I pick up my phone to text. I don't know why, he doesn't respond for the most part, then I worry more. At least if I'm texting I'm doing something, instead of just waiting. Waiting for the Fire Dept., Police Dept., or hospital to call. Out of a sense of urgency, I text his friend for an update on the situation. As I do, it dawns on me, am I as accused? Shaun said I "micro manage" him. That was never my intention, my only intention was to keep him alive.

I'm not sure I'm a micro manager, but I am definitely "co-dependent". I could be the poster child for co-dependence. Currently I'm reading From Binge to Blackout, an autobiography of a Mother and Son that struggle with the son's alcoholism. In the book the Mom says "Maybe I, too, am moving along, because I now realize that protecting him will no longer serve him." The light bulb in my mind flashes, and I realize that I wanted him here to "protect" him. To know that each day he's alive & breathing. I've never considered my protecting him, even from himself, as co-dependant. That's what it is though, co-dependence.

History.  We all have one. Our history helps to develop who we are and even who we aren't. Was his childhood difficult? Yes. Did I always set the best  example? No. Does he feel rejection from his father? Yes. This being said; I've always taught Shaun that within ourselves lye's the power to change, to break the cycle, to make different choices, and to write our own story. He is writing his own story. It must be his own; it must be different  than mine or his fathers. He continually reaches out to his father in a very sad but vain attempt to know him. I've told him to do what he feels he must do regarding his relationship with his father. I've told him to always "guard your heart". Is it incredibly sad? Yes.

So the self examination and continual adjustments to my daily thinking are on going. In my very near future an Al-Anon meeting awaits... .. .

Originally Published ~ 8/19/11 10:40PM ~ Pacific Daylight Time

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Dear Shaun... .. .

31/7/2012

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So burdened is my heart & mind. My body, unable to rest, tossing & turning as I try to sleep.   My mind is tortured. There are no complete thoughts, only a fractured mess of  emotions, fears, and regrets. I try to focus, to pray, but it is to no avail. I am powerless to the demon that holds my thoughts, to the demon that holds my son, to the demon that won't be denied.

I'm thinking of my legacy, only now with a sense of urgency. A motivating awareness to do something,  anything...don't just lay here! Then, as my mind searches, like flipping through a stack of index cards (that's always how I picture my mind doing a search), I recall a letter. This is a letter I wrote to Shaun a few years back. While somewhat paraphrased, now the message seems relevant, whether it be his mortality or my own.

Dear Shaun,

There is so much I want to say to you. I want you to know what you've meant to me, what you've brought to my life, how proud I am of you, and how much I love & respect you. You are my greatest accomplishment.

I want to encourage you to open your heart to "love". Tom has taught me what it means to love, and to be loved, and how to have a happy marriage.I will always be grateful to him for that, and I want that for you too, someday…if ever you’re ready.

Make it a point in your life to be a "well read" person. Read all the classics, Tom Sawyer, War & Peace, Pride & Prejudice, Moby-Dick, those are just a few. Perhaps even study World  Religion, especially since you like to travel. I can always tell when I’m speaking with a
well read person.

Practice being kind to others. Most people we meet are going through something. Most people we meet are doing the best they can.

Nourish old friendships, they mean the most. A true friend is someone that you can pick up the phone and call, even if you haven't spoken for months, and the conversation simply flows, it's just as easy as if you'd spoken to them yesterday. True friendships have no
expectations, just acceptance and support. You are blessed with many friends like these, reach out to them, they are there.

Remain “graceful” under pressure, be the “calm” in the storm. This is easier said than done, but once mastered, it is the mark of a true leader.

Don’t swear. Those who use foul language appear uneducated.

Be self aware, know your own limitations. Try not to wear your emotions on your sleeve for all to see, and always pause before you speak. Only reveal your true emotions to those you love; family, wife, old friends…the trusted ones.

Family is most important, always, always, always be there for your family. Family forever, always, and no matter what.

There is a delicate balance to life.Without hate, there would be no love, without good, there would be no bad, without challenge, there would be no success…there is a mirror effect to all things.

I’m not quite sure where you stand as  far as faith.Faith in God, or some  higher power, something bigger than us, but I pray you consider this: What if He is there, what if our journey ends with Him, the ultimate destination. If we’re wrong, then we are, nothing is lost. But if we’re right, then eternity has much to hold for us, and everything is gained.

I love you Shaun. My love for you is indescribable and uncontainable. It is the forever constant in your life. Always.

Love,
Mom

Orignal Publish Date ~ 8/10/11 8:42 PM ~ Pacific Daylight Time

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And still, we do it.

31/7/2012

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As a single parent, I was there, every day, in the trenches. I was there for every miserable parent/teacher conference. I left my first one in tears by the way. From that point forward I dreaded them. But I was there. For every & any day in court. For every ER visit. For every visit to the police department. I was there. I was there for every moment, in every day, for all the days of the month, year after year. Family first, always , and no matter what. That's the way I've been raised.

I attempt to comfort myself with the thought that even in the best of households; households with a mom & dad, 2.5 kids, a dog named Spot, a home, a white picket fence, dinner around the table every evening, church on Sundays, and a station wagon, there are still no guarantees what type of adults our children will grow to be.

When I notice young parents with babies or small children, I see the adoration for their little bundle of joy reflected on their faces. They are so in love with their child!  That's how it should be! I see them and I smile. I smile with warm regard for how that feels, and then the little voice inside my head says "Enjoy it now because one day he/she will be a teenager." The children we love, the ones we forsake almost everything for, the ones that sit on our lap and hang on our
every word, soon grow to have minds & hearts of their own. Little
personalities, that if you look closely enough...reflect ourselves.

That's when the gut wrenching part of raising a child hits you square
dead in the face. That's when, if you could go back and be as smart as you are now, you would do things very differently. But you can't go back. You can't  unring a bell. You are left to deal with the consequences of all your parenting skills, or lack there of. Or, better still, and even more challenging...you start to try to parent at this late stage of the game. This of course ends in disaster so you do all you can not to totally alienate your son/daughter with your new found dose of "I know what's best for you now."

Parenting is brutal, and not for the faint of heart. Yet we do
it, we throw our hearts over the fence, and our bodies follow. We have nothing but well meant intentions. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."   Who said that???

"There is a legend about a bird which sings only once in  it's life, more beautifully than any other creature on the face of the earth.  From the moment it leaves it's nest, it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, it impales it's breast on the longest, sharpest thorn. But as it is dying, it rises above it's own agony to outsing the Lark and the Nightingale. The Thornbird pays it's life for that one song,  and the whole world stills to listen, and God in his heaven smiles, as it's best is brought only at the cost of great pain;
Driven to the thorn with no knowledge of the dying to come. But when we press the thorn to our breast, we know, we understand.... and still, we do it."
~ Colleen McCullough ~ The Thorn Birds

My son is the bird in this legend. Perhaps he chooses death as a way to rise above his own agony.   Is it selfish to ask "What about my agony?" The agony of watching him kill himself daily. How much "great pain" does it take? How much do we have to forsake as parents?   The ultimate realization is; there's no limit to the pain. There's no limit to the love. I always tell him, "Circumstances change, but the love never does."

"Each of us has something within us which won't be denied, even if it makes us scream aloud to die. We are what we are, that's all. Like the old Celtic legend of the bird with the thorn in its breast, singing its heart out and dying. Because it has to, its self-knowledge can't  affect or change the outcome,can it? Everyone singing his own little song, convinced it's the most wonderful song the world has ever heard. Don't you see?  We create our own thorns, and never stop to count the cost. All we can do is suffer the pain, and tell ourselves it was well worth it."
~ Colleen McCullough ~ The Thorn Birds

And here I am. My heart breaking. Absolutely breaking for my son and for myself. There's no avoiding the heart break.

Please God, I pray: Please be there for Shaun, despite himself. Please be his Father. Please intercede and save him from himself, for I am at a loss. I am fighting a battle that only you can handle. He is your child God. I know you love him. I know your heart breaks for him. Please I pray, he is lost, please show him the way.  He's worth saving. Please heal all his wounds. Please manifest yourself in his daily life, in tangible ways that he cannot miss. Please give me the strength
I need to do what you would want me to do. He is standing at the edge of a cliff God, and my arms just aren't big enough to catch him. He needs your arms. Your caring, soft, ever present, embrace. Amen.

Original Publish Date ~ 8/7/11 12:51 AM ~ Pacific Daylight Time

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