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Last Saturday we took Shaun to A Sober Way Home in Prescott.  In this picture we're sitting on the steps of the detox center, he was about to be admitted.  He wanted a cigarette before they took him away. 

As we sat there, I told him that I loved him.  I told him that I am so very proud of him.  I told him he can do this!  He said he just wants to cry.  He said it feels like we're just dropping him.  I said it's ok to cry.  I 'm sure there is some crying that happens in rehab.  God knows there's certainly enough crying out of rehab.

As Shaun finished his cigarette, Tom said the most loving words to him.  Tom told him that no matter what, we're still a family.  He told him he was proud of him.  He gave Shaun the reassurance that he so desperatly needs.  That's NEVER happened to us (Shaun & I) before.  Not even his own father has said those words to him.  Miracles happen that way, when God works.  We walked inside, Tom gave Shaun a big ole bear hug, and held onto him for what seemed like a long time.  Then it was my turn...I held his face in my hands....I told him he's my Angel Boy.  Always my Angel Boy.  

God is with Shaun.  It's God's Will for Shaun to get better.  Amen.  It's God's Will that awakened Shaun to the realization that he needs treatment or he will surely die.  Amen.  It's God's Will that broke all the barriers to make this happen.  Amen.  He has opened all the gates wide open!  I know He will continue to do the same throughout Shauns recovery.  Throughout Shauns life.  Thank you Jesus.  I have never been so humbled and so grateful.  Drop to my knees grateful.

Once home from the road trip to Prescott, I setteled down into a nice relaxing bubble bath.  Tom came in and lit a candle for me.  He turned on the sound box to the Ocean Surf setting.  

As I soaked there, immersed in bubbles, I thought about the details of the day.  I ran my hands through the bubbles as they float on top of the water.  I focused on the sound of the ocean's surf as it lapped against the sand. As the water receded, so did any underlying stress that was lingering.  I thought about how calm I was throughout everything.  It's the kind of calm, the kind of peace, that only God can provide.

In the days that have followed since Saturday, God continues to work.  He keeps me calm.  He keeps me mindfull of the task at hand.  He keeps me focused on what I can do, on what He wants me to do.  He reminds me that He has brought Shaun this far and He will bring him the rest of the way. 

Lord God, thank you for your mercy.  Thank you for a new cup of grace to get through each day.  Please be with Shaun.  Please keep him focused on his recovery.  Please free him from the bondage of alcohol.  Please release him from any worries he may have outside of recovery.  Please reveal Yourself to him and please know how very thankful I am.  Amen.

 
It's 10:53PM and all is quiet here at Casa De Judson.

Outwardly all is quiet.  Inside my heart & my head is another story.
 
Inside my head is where all the "if''s" live.   What if Shaun (my son)
has relapsed into drinking.  What if he comes home drunk?  What
if he's in a car accident?  What if he gets pulled over?  What
if someone else gets hurt?  What if he looses his job?  So
many what ifs.

There's the what "ifs" inside my heart too.  The what if I loose my son to this treacherous monster called alcoholism?  What if?

I've reached out to an online Al-Anon meeting.  I've learned some really helpful tools.  Let's see...loving detachment is one.  Then there's the three C's, I did not CAUSE it, I CANNOT control it and I cannot CURE it!  I also like
When playing tug-o-war with an alcoholic, drop the rope.

But the truth is, even though these slogans & coping mechanism's help tremendously, it's ultimately quite unbearable.  It's unbearable to watch my son struggle so hard within himself.  I try to imagine the battle that must be going on in his mind.  It's like it's his mind
vs his body.  The mind always wins.  For him to put himself into 
environments that tempt his addiction is no different than if he'd chose to step in front of a speeding train.  I am suffering, and he is
suffering.

They tell me that relapse is a part of recovery.  Well as childlike as it may sound, I don't like it!  The roller coaster ride is enough to give anyone whiplash.  I try to hang on to the fact that with each
episode of drinking, progress is made.  This last time huge strides in his progress towards recovery were achieved.  Although that too has a heartbreaking side.  How many chances will he get?  Does he think that there's always another chance and another.  He's not a cat .  He doesn't have nine lives.  Sigh...

So I'm off to bed.  My eyelids are heavy.  Maybe my eyelids can talk my heart & mind into sleeping.

Please God, keep Shaun safe tonight.  Amen.

Originally Published  ~ 4/15/12 11:36 PM ~ Pacific Daylight Time

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