4:40AM. I wake from the oddest dream. There was an inflated balloon. There were spiders in the balloon. The balloon was blue. I kept holding the balloon up toward the light to see them. Good, none had gotten out.
I roll over to go back to sleep. I have to go to the bathroom. In the next few seconds, before my feet even hit the floor, my mind jumps to my son. The images, the messages come so fast. My gut aches as I try to calm my my mind. I've heard it said by someone, I don't recall who, that when you wake in the night like this, it's God waking you.
My prayers have been focused of late; along with carving out time to hear Him. Wanting to hear Him, to feel His presence, to trust, without doubt, that He's working. What I keep getting is to let go, to step back and let Him work within my son's life. Step back, step back, step back...this is immensly difficult, and a true test of my faith. I've been praying for the faith of Abraham, the faith of Moses, of Joshua
My prayers have been specific too. Asking for God's healing to his liver, his pancreas, his mind. Asking God to descend upon his life and infiltrate his thoughts, his decisions, his desires. Asking God to direct him. Again, I must step back.
Step back and let Him work. So I do, or at least I think I do. Keeping faith in mind, I question every text, every phone call that I make to him. Stop. Is this text or phone call doing any good? No. Am I constantly trying to persuade, to preach, yes. So stop. If I'm constantly trying to "fix it", then I'm not letting God work. I'm not focusing on my faith.
My faith has taken a beating lately. I've talked about that with God too. In the quite moments, when I stop to listen, I realize that He's telling me the reason I cannot fix this is because it's not mine to fix. It's His. It's not mine to wonder why or what the plan is for my son. It's to trust God's Will in the midst of each day, of each thought that rushes to my mind.
These burdens I carry won't live past today if I can just lay them down. Lay them down Jenny.
My eyes are heavy now. Sleep comes again. God woke me, I responded. Please God, give me peace to rest. Amen.
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