It's 10:53PM and all is quiet here at Casa De Judson.
Outwardly all is quiet. Inside my heart & my head is another story.
Inside my head is where all the "if''s" live. What if Shaun (my son)
has relapsed into drinking. What if he comes home drunk? What
if he's in a car accident? What if he gets pulled over? What
if someone else gets hurt? What if he looses his job? So
many what ifs.
There's the what "ifs" inside my heart too. The what if I loose my son to this treacherous monster called alcoholism? What if?
I've reached out to an online Al-Anon meeting. I've learned some really helpful tools. Let's see...loving detachment is one. Then there's the three C's, I did not CAUSE it, I CANNOT control it and I cannot CURE it! I also like When playing tug-o-war with an alcoholic, drop the rope.
But the truth is, even though these slogans & coping mechanism's help tremendously, it's ultimately quite unbearable. It's unbearable to watch my son struggle so hard within himself. I try to imagine the battle that must be going on in his mind. It's like it's his mind
vs his body. The mind always wins. For him to put himself into
environments that tempt his addiction is no different than if he'd chose to step in front of a speeding train. I am suffering, and he is
suffering.
They tell me that relapse is a part of recovery. Well as childlike as it may sound, I don't like it! The roller coaster ride is enough to give anyone whiplash. I try to hang on to the fact that with each
episode of drinking, progress is made. This last time huge strides in his progress towards recovery were achieved. Although that too has a heartbreaking side. How many chances will he get? Does he think that there's always another chance and another. He's not a cat . He doesn't have nine lives. Sigh...
So I'm off to bed. My eyelids are heavy. Maybe my eyelids can talk my heart & mind into sleeping.
Please God, keep Shaun safe tonight. Amen.
Originally Published ~ 4/15/12 11:36 PM ~ Pacific Daylight Time
Outwardly all is quiet. Inside my heart & my head is another story.
Inside my head is where all the "if''s" live. What if Shaun (my son)
has relapsed into drinking. What if he comes home drunk? What
if he's in a car accident? What if he gets pulled over? What
if someone else gets hurt? What if he looses his job? So
many what ifs.
There's the what "ifs" inside my heart too. The what if I loose my son to this treacherous monster called alcoholism? What if?
I've reached out to an online Al-Anon meeting. I've learned some really helpful tools. Let's see...loving detachment is one. Then there's the three C's, I did not CAUSE it, I CANNOT control it and I cannot CURE it! I also like When playing tug-o-war with an alcoholic, drop the rope.
But the truth is, even though these slogans & coping mechanism's help tremendously, it's ultimately quite unbearable. It's unbearable to watch my son struggle so hard within himself. I try to imagine the battle that must be going on in his mind. It's like it's his mind
vs his body. The mind always wins. For him to put himself into
environments that tempt his addiction is no different than if he'd chose to step in front of a speeding train. I am suffering, and he is
suffering.
They tell me that relapse is a part of recovery. Well as childlike as it may sound, I don't like it! The roller coaster ride is enough to give anyone whiplash. I try to hang on to the fact that with each
episode of drinking, progress is made. This last time huge strides in his progress towards recovery were achieved. Although that too has a heartbreaking side. How many chances will he get? Does he think that there's always another chance and another. He's not a cat . He doesn't have nine lives. Sigh...
So I'm off to bed. My eyelids are heavy. Maybe my eyelids can talk my heart & mind into sleeping.
Please God, keep Shaun safe tonight. Amen.
Originally Published ~ 4/15/12 11:36 PM ~ Pacific Daylight Time
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