My entire family is mentally ill. Now I know that sounds like the intro into what might turn out to be a humorous post, but no, it's not.
Just quickly, off the top of my head, this is how I see it. We have two alcoholics, one pot head, one hoarder, and one "not so sharp" tool in the shed. That leaves me and I know for certain that I am a nervous Nellie.
Now there's two thoughts on my being a nervous Nellie. A - I inherited it from my family or B - my family caused it. I think it's a little of both A & B. I am, however...medicated. As long as I take my meds, the world makes sense. No, that's not right. It doesn't make sense, it's just tolerable. Yes, that's it. I'm medicated so that I can tolerate my entire mentally ill family. When you consider the fact that I am the most sound one among us; one must wonder, how did that happen? Maybe all the planets & stars were aligned in the appropriate order so all my chromosomes fell in just the right place at conception.
I was thinking about "wonder" earlier. It went something like this; here I sit, thinking of my son. Wondering how much he's had to drink this evening. Wondering how long this can go on. Wonderng why. Wondering how long I will have him in my life. Thinking that maybe planning Daddy's memorial was a dress rehersal for my son's memorial. I can tell you though that wondering...sucks. I know that's not a pretty word, but it's the right word. Please forgive me Emily Post.
I watched him today, from across the lunch table, and wondered what thoughts were going through his head. He's oh so very quiet. What's going on in his mind? So I ask him. He say's lots of different thoughts. I say, like what? He tells me this & that...but he's just appeasing me I think. I'm not sure if I'll ever really know my own son. I'm not sure that he knows himself. In fact, I'm sure he doesn't . He seems so uncomfortable in his own skin. He seems uncomfortable emotionally too.
There's a definate science to the physical & emotional things his feeling. Our bodies require certain nutrients, certain elements to function accordingly. When we do not eat right, or hydrate, or get enough rest, it's reflected in how we feel. Our bodies begin to talk to us. This in turn, affects everything else, our thoughts, our emotions, our ability to reason, or be happy. It's truly miraculous when you stop to think about it.
So when I lay my head down on the pillow tonight, I will still wonder. I'll wonder and pray and most likely never understand why.
Just quickly, off the top of my head, this is how I see it. We have two alcoholics, one pot head, one hoarder, and one "not so sharp" tool in the shed. That leaves me and I know for certain that I am a nervous Nellie.
Now there's two thoughts on my being a nervous Nellie. A - I inherited it from my family or B - my family caused it. I think it's a little of both A & B. I am, however...medicated. As long as I take my meds, the world makes sense. No, that's not right. It doesn't make sense, it's just tolerable. Yes, that's it. I'm medicated so that I can tolerate my entire mentally ill family. When you consider the fact that I am the most sound one among us; one must wonder, how did that happen? Maybe all the planets & stars were aligned in the appropriate order so all my chromosomes fell in just the right place at conception.
I was thinking about "wonder" earlier. It went something like this; here I sit, thinking of my son. Wondering how much he's had to drink this evening. Wondering how long this can go on. Wonderng why. Wondering how long I will have him in my life. Thinking that maybe planning Daddy's memorial was a dress rehersal for my son's memorial. I can tell you though that wondering...sucks. I know that's not a pretty word, but it's the right word. Please forgive me Emily Post.
I watched him today, from across the lunch table, and wondered what thoughts were going through his head. He's oh so very quiet. What's going on in his mind? So I ask him. He say's lots of different thoughts. I say, like what? He tells me this & that...but he's just appeasing me I think. I'm not sure if I'll ever really know my own son. I'm not sure that he knows himself. In fact, I'm sure he doesn't . He seems so uncomfortable in his own skin. He seems uncomfortable emotionally too.
There's a definate science to the physical & emotional things his feeling. Our bodies require certain nutrients, certain elements to function accordingly. When we do not eat right, or hydrate, or get enough rest, it's reflected in how we feel. Our bodies begin to talk to us. This in turn, affects everything else, our thoughts, our emotions, our ability to reason, or be happy. It's truly miraculous when you stop to think about it.
So when I lay my head down on the pillow tonight, I will still wonder. I'll wonder and pray and most likely never understand why.
RSS Feed